So yesterday was one of those "not so good days"......it started ok but ended badly.......

We were supposed to be cooking for Alpha & Connect - which in the end turned out to be just me cooking......that was ok as we'd decided to drop the fancy food idea we had planned and go for the good old all day breakfast meal.......I checked on the number - told to cater for 55 - so basically we made sure there were 2 sausages, 2 bits of bacon, 2 hash browns and some beans - load of bread on the table to beef it up a bit. Admittedly not the best meal - but under the circumstances it was the easiest to do when you're on your own...... Was a bit embarressed at the start how basic the food was when I realised it was "opening night" - at least it can only get better...... more embarressing was the fact that there wasn't 50 people need to be fed there was around 70-80 I'd say.........so we (a) ran out of food (b) had more veggies than we knew and their fake sausages weren't ready so they had dry bits of chicken.... and (c) their wasn't enough pudding on top of all that we were supposed to be cooking for the guys from Brazil - who waited till the end to get fed and who ended up with nothing...... we tried to keep some pudding back from people - to give them - and I ended up scrounging the cupboards in search of any food I could find to cook. I volunteered to go out and get fish and chips - but it would take too long.......so instead it just wasn't the best finish to a day...... and people didn't really get a decent meal....

sigh....

Ok, so in a bid to get fit, lose weight and generally change my appearance - I have bought myself a pedometer.....just one of the new things I'm doing......

It seemed easy enough - you have goals to reach and each week these get raised a little.....So i started off with having to only walk 2500 steps a day........easy.....i totally had more steps per day than 2500...... then it increased to 5000 steps - again not too hard - somedays I had to do several circuits of my building to get my steps up - but on average I walk about 5400 steps a day.... more if I go out at lunch! The problem I have is my job is very busy and I sit in lots of meetings for the day.......so now my target is 7500 steps a day and I'm soooo not making it. The days I get out for lunch are no problem - I walk - but that's becomming rare and when I leave for work at 7am, and often don't get home till 7pm - i have little time to find to do that "extra" walking. sigh.........

I couldn't imagine it would be that hard - but I've realised how much time I spend just sitting at my desk.....I decided to walk the longest way possible to the toilet and back again to my desk.....I was gone for 20mins........and only a few minutes of that was actually spent on the loo!!!! Now people at work will think I have a problem.... ;-)

I tried walking at my desk - but then realised it looked like I needed the loo with all that jiggling and really it wasn't walking......

So I guess I'm just going to have to walk more, find longer ways to get to the meeting rooms - diary in some walking time and hope I can meet the target set...

Sigh.............who'd have thought walking could be THIS stressful....

;-)

For God alone my soul waits in silence;
from Him comes my salvation.
He only is my Rock and my Salvation,
my Defense and my Fortress,
I shall not be greatly moved.
PSALM 62:1,2

Faith is the reverent commitment of your heart to embrace God. It actively stands through times of suffering and difficulties and refuses to be moved from God alone.

It sometimes feels strained by situations where God does not answer your prayers as expected and where disappointments and heartache tear at your beliefs.

But through it is taught the lesson of patience.

One of the greatest pleasures to give God is the trust of our lives and our concerns to Him with complete confidence.

I heard this from Joyce Meyer and it really spoke to me at this time - when there are once again so many uncertanties with my job. I know the outcome will be what God intended - it's just waiting in silence and trust before him. Laying my life down and saying "God I trust you......"

Well today is the last day of the financial year for us.............it's been a busy week - will be glad when today's over as it means I'm on holiday for a week!!! Hurrah!!!! We're off on a narrowboat for a week or cruising!!

But for now it's work..................

A panhandler once asked a woman for money. 'I'll give you a dollar, not because you deserve it but because it pleases me,' she said. 'Thank you, ma'am' he replied, 'why not make it $10 and thoroughly enjoy yourself?'

I saw this in a daily reading scripture type thing and thought it was quite interesting...... It went on to say how often God gives us things - not because we deserve it, but because it pleases him.....I guess this is called grace....

I debated writing about this....but I since re-starting my journal I've wanted it to capture the moments, the thoughts and the feelings. I always wanted it to be an honest reflection....and I guess this entry is a tribute to a fleeting memory, but also now a tribute to hope.....

On Feb 14th I found out I was pregnant...working out the dates I realised I could be about 9 weeks. As it was valentines day, my husband was taking me to the place he proposed to me, so I thought it would make it even more romantic to tell him I was pregnant....he was ecstatic, so happy, so thrilled.....we were going to keep the news to ourselves for a bit longer, but my mum is a trained midwife, and my sister a nurse - so keeping the news from them would be harder. But I wanted to give them some good news, so I told them.......

For a week, it was the best feeling, knowing there was something inside me, growing, getting stronger. I loved it. I would go to sleep at night dreaming, hoping about all the things that would happen later that year. My husband would snuggle up to me and hold me. We dreamt together about our little baby.

Not knowing anything about pregnancy - we decided to get a book - we sat down that afternoon and read up to 9 weeks, we got excited and realised that afternoon that we really wanted a family. I'd come up with a silly name the day before with my mum as we'd been talking about the worst name you could give a child....- ours was Whoppie Wilson.....it stuck (with me anyway, my husband was yet to be convinced!) - but he gave up in the end and we started calling our unborn child Whoopie.......it made us laugh!

By Monday, things had changed, I started bleeding. It was so hard to see. In a panic I rang Jeremy & my mum to ask them to pray. I talked to my baby and asked it to hang on, that I loved it, that I wanted it. I begged God to not take it away from me...By wednesday the bleeding had stopped. I'd had no pain, and deep down hoped that everything would be ok....it was just a case of sitting it out and waiting.

4am Sat morning I decided to do a pregnancy test.....I held my breath for what seemed like an eternity, and in my sleepy & dreamy state I suddenly had a picture of this little girl with long mousey brown hair, she was so pretty, she turned round to look at me, then waved and skipped off. I looked down at the pregnancy test, and saw it said "not pregnant". I went back to bed and sobbed with my husband holding me. I dreamt of that little girl again 2 nights ago, and she was holding my Grandad's hand and skipping along beside him, and he said to me "It's ok I've found her" and then she waved again and they walked away.

I don't know if God gave me that dream or if it was just my own subconscious, but it gave me the chance to say goodbye. To tell her I loved her, and while I really wanted to be her mum, to hold her, feel her grown inside me and introduce her to the world - that for some reason it wasn't to be and she was in a good place and if my Grandad had found her - she would have so much fun - and for whatever reason, God wanted her.

I still hope for a family - my hope isn't a memory - it's a reality. I trust God has a good plan for our lives, that he wants the best for us. We're not safe from disappointment in our lives, it will happen, but it's what we do with it I think that matters. I want to lose weight to be in the best possible shape, I want to be fit, and more than anything I want my baby to be safe. I have a hope that one day I will get pregnant again.....till then I guess this journal entry is a dedication to our little "Whoopie Wilson"...... ;-)

It's been quite a busy week....on Monday we went to see King Kong....I survived 2/3 of it - but with an estimated finishing time of midnight, I knew I wouldn't survive to see the last hour AND get up for work at 6am.....so we still as yet have to watch the end....but neither one of us want to buy it when it comes out on DVD as we weren't THAT thrilled by it...............so it may always remain a mystery (except that we've both seen the original so....)

Tuesday was Valentines day....my husband was very cute and romantic - we went to the place where he proposed to me and had a wonderfully lovely evening....which ended with a red rose.....so sweet...

Then I "worked from home" the next 3 days so I could look after my mum as she'd just had her chemo. It was good to feel useful and helpful. Because we don't live close by - I often feel I can't do much and I really want to help out as much as I can. So it felt good to be of use. She was a good patient too.....

We came home to some VERY hungry cats - who promptly showed their disgust at us being away by weeing on the carpet.....in Boric's defense he was trying to get out the cat flap - so we think he was caught short...anyway, it ended up with having to take the curtains down, putting them straight in the wash and cleaning the carpet.

Last night we had Klara & Gary round for the evening. It was a most enjoyable time....we had a drink in our local pub followed by a rather gorgeous chinese - not the best thing for my diet - but hey - it was a one off.....

Today, we should have gone to church, but my husband has the horriblist of colds and so I made him lie on the sofa while I try to take care of him. It seems my role this week has been "nurse". If I was Mr Ben (old children's cartoon) I would be wearing a nurses hat........ ;-)

I wonder what hat next week will be???

Yellows are motivated by fun. They are inviting and

embrace life as a party which they're

hosting. They love playful interaction and

can be extremely sociable and persuasive.

They seek instant gratification. YELLOWS need

to be adored and praised. While YELLOWS are

carefree, they are quite sensitive and highly

alert to others motives to control them.

YELLOWS carry within themselves the gift of a

good heart.

YELLOWS need to look good socially, and friendships

command a high priority in their lives.

YELLOWS are happy, highly verbal, easily

bored, and crave adventure. They can never

sit still for long. They choose friends who,

like themselves, refuse to allow lifes boring

details stifle their curiosity. They embrace

each day in the present tense. YELLOWS are

charismatic, spontaneous, positive, and can

be irresponsible, obnoxious, and forgetful.

When you deal with a YELLOW praise and adore

them, take a positive, upbeat approach, and

promote creative and fun activities for and

with them.


What Color Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Goethe said "Trust yourself, then you will know how to live…."

Quite simply I don't agree with this! As my mum said....if you trust in yourself you will make mistakes......

I'm slowly learning that I have to put my trust in God. It's something I've always known and thought I did - but in reality I know I don't always do this.

My mum is a real inspiration to me. She's going through something that she knows she needs to trust God on. I've had emails and spoken to people who say to me - "Your mum is amazing, she has this quiet and very strong trust in God, that he will get her through this...." While I see mum quite a bit, i don't tend to notice these things all the time. But it was at my dad's birthday that I realised what people say is totally true about her. My niece, who's 4 and totally gorgeous suddenly came out and said something along the lines of....."you're not going to die Grandma till you're really old are you?" It was one of those moments where you turned to look at my mum to see what kind of reaction she'd give....and she laughed, smiled and said "no I'm not going to die till i'm really old".

I think it was in that moment both me & Jeremy saw it. My mum was at total peace with her situation. She trusted God and she knew she could laugh about what Beth said because she had this deep, deep trust in God's promises and word. Because she has that trust, she knows how to live (And she knows that she will live!)

I'm inspired by that.....Sometimes I get worried about things in life - and my husband always, always, always turns round to me, holds me tight and says, "don't worry - everything will be ok".....I questioned him that first time and said "how do you know????" and he simply replied "I've prayed about it and I trust God..." - it was in that instance I felt secure, safe and know that I don't need to worry. I'm slowly learning that if something happens - i need to turn to God and say "help!" and put my trust in him and know that he will show me how I should live.

Maya Angelou said this....."I've learned that I still have a lot to learn."

It's so true. There are points in my life that I think - "Yup, I know it all now...." and then I find I don't....quite dramtically usually!!

Like my husband, I know that I may never learn all there is to know about him. I've learnt so much about him, but I still have so, so much to learn about him. But that's the exciting part of marriage - learning.....

I've learned it's not a good thing to be driving in the fast lane on the M25, overtaking cars at 7am, and thinking "oh my windscreen is dirty", and then spraying water all over it - with wipers - wiping to get the muck away - only it's -2.5 outside and the water i have just sprayed to wash away the dirt has dried instantly and I can now no longer see where I'm going................yes I still have a lot to learn....

I know I'll never learn all there is to know about God, but while I am here, I will learn all I can.....I've realised everyday brings new things, new challenges, new learning curves!

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow....God gives us a hope, that he'll be there alongside us to learn as we go. I find that so amazing....that Almighty God is interested in me, and interested in teaching me things. I think he enjoys "learning" with me....enjoys showing me a bit about himself, which leads me onto find out new things...things I never knew.....

It's often in those quiet, silent times we hear that still small voice of God, whispering into our hearts, telling us something that speaks straight into that very moment.

I have to say, I struggle to hear sometimes. Partly I think because I don't spend enough time listening - I'm so busy "doing" - i forget to just be still......

I feel challengened - feel I need to deepen my relationship with God. There's so much going on around me, so much noise.....I just need that moment when "deep calls to deep"....

I drove home the other night and just felt the need to stop and be quiet. i was in the middle of the country and there wasn't a sound - i heard the silence.....and somewhere in all that I thought i heard God say...."I miss you..."

It made me cry - I realised I was missing by 1 on 1 time with God. Yes, my husband and I pray together, we do some bible readings together, but I'd lost my 1 on 1 time - just me and God.....

I think sometimes that we all need that 1 on 1 time with God - we can't find our relationship with God through someone else, we can't rely on someone else to give us what we need from God......we need God direct......that's my thoughts anyway....

Our gorgeous ginger cat Boric, has a habit of sitting by the conservatory window and staring out across the garden and maybe on over to the hills...I always feel he's pondering......wondering....how did I get here??? He sits so quietly and you can tell he's watching, waiting, hoping.....it always seems to be around tea-time he does this.....and then he hears the tin open and knows he's going to fed and springs into action!

Sometimes I feel like this, I look out and wonder - how did I get here? I feel so blessed, so amazingly loved and so hopeful for the future. I want my life to count, I want to make a difference, I want to be a good wife - maybe even a good mother one day......

I'm re-reading this book called the God Chasers...it's really stirred something up in me........and I guess in another way I feel like I don't do enough of what Boric does....I need to sit quietly, watching, waiting, hoping - knowing that I will get a "God encounter" - and then suddenly I'll hear his voice, hear what he has to say to me, hear him stirring my heart again.....encouraging me to go deeper - to pursue - to chase after God......God can easily be caught - he just likes the fun of the chase i guess - to see us hungry for more.....

Each person walks a different road, has different encounters, different circumstances, but i guess the one thing we all have in common is God's desire to be in friendship/relationship with us. God waits for us to be quiet - to stop doing - to sit and to listen for that still small voice speaking to us.....I guess the question is -are we too scared to listen incase what we hear isn't what we expected??

It's a new year, and I feel inspired to re-start my journal again. Bear with me while I re-invent it and change the look - but I promise to post at least once a week - if not more!!!

Well it's been a long time since I wrote but i've done it.........I'm now Mrs Wilson & very, very happy!!!!

I've decided to start a new live journal off in the new year - so will post on here what it's called.

It will include pictures & stories from the day & honeymoon!! Which was great!!!!

Catch you all in the New Year!!! May you have a peaceful & joyful christmas and may your New Year be blessed!!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Weekend was lovely (but busy!). Friday we went to the Ogley's leaving "do". It was a nice chilled evening. I'm going to miss them - I don't see them that often now as it is - but I'm excited for them both - and it means I have yet another friend who's about to become a Vicar!

Saturday my parents took me to a sewing show - got some fake hair (at a needle craft show - how ironic!) which I've now got very attached too - I like the way it looks!! Saw loads of amazing sewing kits. Mum got some wool!!! Dad chilled outside watching the world go by reading his computer mag! Then we went into Guildford to find some underwear for my dress fitting....was a kind of stressful experience and they only seemed to have 32b in any kind of bra/basque type thing.....eventually found something I liked.....Mum was relived cos it meant she could sit down and drink some coffee!!!! Then it was back to Jeremy's, where his parents had arrived to dig up some plants for our new garden....Jeremy loves gardening and has so many gorgeous plants in his garden - I'm glad we're taking them with us!!!

Sunday - we went down to Jeremy's parents church - which was so lovely and cute! Lunch with his parents - his mum dashed off early from church to make sure it was all ready so I could leave for my fitting. Showed her my dress & shoes, which she thought were gorgeous. She thanked me for letting her be a part of the wedding and said it was lovely to get a sneak preview of what I was wearing - So I felt chuffed that I'd shown her. I'd picked up the dress on the way past - so I saw my mum - who's got this cold everyone seems to have.

The dress fitting itself was kind of hard - I was excited cos I found I'd lost weight and could fit nicely into the waist. The only problem was, my bust size had gone up - and there was no way the dress would do up past that part of my back.....I was quite gutted as I'd been looking forward to seeing how I looked in the dress.....instead I just looked in the mirror and felt a mess!! Went back and cried!!! So it's more of the same - diets and exercise!! But it'll be worth it.....

And now it's back to work, which is still stressful - we have an audit tomorrow, which we're all under pressure to pass....and the deadline for applying for jobs is tomorrow - I still need to complete my form - but work has just been so manic - and i'm unsure about it all.....

So it's a case of trusting God - praying he gives me some guidance and inspiration!!!

I can't believe our wedding is only 72 days away!!!!! That seems like no time at all......I still can't believe I'm actually getting married......and to the most gorgeous, wonderful man in the world!!! (even more gorgeous than Justin Timberlake!!! grin...)

I have my wedding dress fitting on Sunday - I'm hoping the exercises, dieting and hoping will have paid off and I'll fit into my dress......I still want to tone up more - but as long as I can fit into my dress I don't mind......

Tomorrow I'm going with my parents to a needlecraft show - which I'm looking forward to. Always interesting....and I'm hoping (and praying) that my underwear for my wedding dress will have arrived tomorrow.....it's cutting it fine!

Jeremy is going to carrying on with his packing and tidying up the side of the house. His parents are coming to help him. Then they're staying for dinner. We're going to his parents church as well on sunday - bit nervous about that - but he came to my parents church - so it is only fair!!

So I will probably do an LJ entry on my return!!!

Have a good weekend!

Well, so much has been happening.....

My sister & best friend have sent out invites for my hen party - only I don't know what it is.......have to see if I can get it out of one of them.....

Wedding is nearly 70 days away.....scary!!! And yet exciting!!! Have got entrance music - Bro in law did it for us - and it sounds wonderful - when my sis 1st played it to me - I was like wow......so we're both really happy about that............now just the exit music - any ideas????

Order of Service is going to be created - I've had the offer of the use of an amazing photographers photograph.........if that makes sense...Connie takes amazing pictures - a very talented young woman!!! I'm excited to see what she ends up doing - I have a feeling the girl will go far!!!! (Check out her journal in my friends!!!)

And that's about it...........